DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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