I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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