ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
