Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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