I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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