I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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