You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
