Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
