Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
