took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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