this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
