hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
