What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
