i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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