my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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