I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
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You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
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How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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