you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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