Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
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I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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