Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
