Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
