I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
