I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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