I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
