Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
