We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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