worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
