Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
