I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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