Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I want a musical about memes.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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