if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
