My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Shame - the story of my life.
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