I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
