I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Can you bring me the toilet please
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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