I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
