Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
