I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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