I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
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Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
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No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.