Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
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I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?