She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.