Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
