I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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