here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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