Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
