turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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