his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
do nipples grow back?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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