I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I want to have your abortion
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
