just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
