it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
