my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
