And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i drank out of a bidet.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
