Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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