I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
