She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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