Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
