I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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