so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
