You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
