Im at strip club and am horny
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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