I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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